first time penetration
BY ANDREW MCMILLAN
we needed two attempts the first time
was so cold in the unheated loft room
of a friend’s house I’d moved to at sixteen
that all we could do was force our bodies
close enough to save a little heat
the second time I planned a little more
a portable heater kicking out
a charred dust smell leading him upstairs
the room artificially hot stripping
off instantly how practical I was
not really wanting to be touched or kissed
or to do anything that might delay
what I thought I needed heater unplugged
the room dropping colder almost instantly
walking to the bed kneeling down on it
as though praying and him coming at me
with his bare inarticulate thrusting
that couldn’t hold off long enough for pain
to give way into something like pleasure
and I remember feeling something drip
I’ve left a present on your back he said
and I showed him out past the bedroom
of my housemate the bed I’d taken
to sleeping in most mornings when she’d gone
early to the station I’d set the bath
running and keep warm under the covers
still muggy with her presence one time
I fell asleep woke to water coming
through the ceiling as though the sky had slipped
inside the house and I just lay there
not moving thinking there was nothing
to be done but wait for it to pass through
the different layers of house hope it might
dry out might still be standing afterwards
